I’ve worked with a lot of family caregivers over the years. Most burn the candle at both ends to take care of their elderly loved ones while tending to families and careers of their own. In many cases, family caregivers become so focused on the tasks at hand that they don’t even know they need a break.
Are you a caregiver? Paying attention to –and honoring—your own needs isn’t an act of selfishness. It’s an act of personal responsibility. Many caregivers who neglect themselves end up coming down with an illness of their own. If that happens to you, the person you’re caring for will suffer. Self-care ultimately positions you to be the best possible caregiver you can be.
When you’re in the thick of things, that can be hard to see.
How can you tell you need a break? It’s really quite simple. If you can’t remember the last time you had any time for yourself, you need a break. If you’re tending to a spouse or parent 24/7, you need a break. If you can’t remember the last time you enjoyed a favorite hobby or pastime, you need a break. If you find yourself starting to resent the person you’re caring for, you need a break. If you think spending an hour on your own shopping is a break, you need a break. If you’re feeling guilty about the resentment, you’re not an evil person. You just need a break! The question to ask isn’t if you need you a break. It’s when, how long and how often your breaks should be.
Once you’ve accepted the fact that you could use a break, what should that break look like? How can you pull it off? Here are a few tips.
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Short breaks are fine. Your break can be as little as a couple of hours away two or three times each week.
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Running errands isn’t really a break. Some caregivers believe that the time they leave the house to go shopping for their elderly loved one qualifies as a break. It may feel like one but it’s not as rejuvenating as time spent focusing on something completely unrelated to your caregiving responsibilities.
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Do things you enjoy. Try to spend at least some of your time away doing things you love. Get some exercise. Go sightseeing. Play cards. See a movie. Dream about the future. Shop for non-essentials– for things you don’t need. Have lunch with a friend. This change in focus helps recharge your batteries.
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Expect to feel resistance. You may find that the first time you attempt to carve out some time for yourself, it’s hard. But if you do it consistently, you’ll get better at it. Dealing with the normal challenges of caregiving will get easier.
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Expect to get resistance. If your loved one is accustomed to your constant presence, he or she may complain when you take time off from caregiving duties. Ignore those complaints, no matter how vocal, and take your breaks anyway. Your loved one will be happy when you come back.
If you’re really burned out, sometimes only a serious change of scenery will do. That’s when it’s time to get away for a week or two, which will do a lot to help you unwind. But then the inevitable questions arise. Where should I go? What should I do? Who will care for my loved one while I’m away?
The good news is that caregivers today have options. Here are a few of the most workable.
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Consider asking another family member to cover you. You’ll want to talk to this family member to make sure that he or she is up to the task. We often find that an elder’s primary caregiver is doing so much that it takes two or more people to duplicate the services and care that he or she provides. Not every family member has the time or patience to take on caregiving duties.
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Call an agency. If no family members are up to the task, look to the professionals. One option is to hire an agency to provide someone to stay with your loved one. Keep in mind that some non-profit organizations, most notably the Alzheimer’s Association, have funds available to offset the cost of respite care so family caregivers can catch a break.
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Look to assisted living facilities. If hiring someone to come to your loved one’s home isn’t an option, check with the assisted living facilities in your area to see if they would allow your loved one to stay there while you’re away. Many will allow seniors to stay for a week or two at a time and it can be a win-win situation for all. Not only does your loved one get needed care, he or she gets to experience life at the facility, trying new activities and meeting new friends. You may find that your loved one likes the facility, which will make future housing transitions easier.
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Consider a nursing home. If your loved one’s care needs are more extensive, many nursing homes are willing to take your loved one on a private pay basis.
When I’m working with clients, I have a simple way to determine whether a family caregiver needs a break. I ask a simple question: Would you rather have a crisis or a transition? Stressed out family caregivers are usually unable to provide the typical answer of preferring transitions to crises or sometimes are unable to provide any answer at all. If I get a blank look as a response, I know that I’m dealing with a caregiver who needs a break.
Most caregivers don’t realize that the stress of being constantly “on duty” has a negative impact on their ability to reason. I’ve found that if the caregiver removes the stress by taking some time off, it restores the person’s ability to function and recalibrates their perspective. They’re then able to return to their caregiving duties with a renewed commitment to care for their loved ones without sacrificing themselves in the process.
