Whenever there’s more than one adult child involved in the care of an elderly parent, the potential for disagreement exists. In most cases, siblings are able to put aside their differences and work together. But in a small number of cases—about 1 percent overall—family members have no interest in reaching accord. One adult child thinks a conservatorship for Dad is the right approach but a sibling fights the process every step of the way. An adult child living locally thinks Mom’s care should be handled one way but an out-of-town sibling disagrees. Or an older husband and wife both need guardians and children from their previous marriages don’t agree what should be done. Feuding siblings play out long-simmering conflicts in the courtroom, filing motions with no substance, racking up astronomical legal fees, and trying the patience of judges. Family members are so busy fighting each other that the well-being of the loved one often suffers.
It’s situations like these—the worst of the worst—that have led to the search for new ways to respond. Elder-caring coordination, a court-ordered special mediation approach now being tested in five states, is showing promise. Though lawyers and mediators have helped resolve disputes involving aging adults for years, elder-caring coordinators are proving especially adept at resolving emotional disagreements over the care and finances of aging parents. Unlike general mediation where parties usually approach the process willingly, elder-caring coordination is reserved for highly-dysfunctional families who would typically refuse a conventional mediation process. These matters often end up in court as conservatorship or guardianship proceedings. When judges get tired of the petty arguments, they appoint an elder-caring coordinator to work with the family. After the mediation is complete, the caring coordinator reports back to the judge.
Elder-caring coordinators come from a wide range of professional backgrounds, including business, education, law, social work, and psychology, receiving specialized education in the unique and increasingly complex issues related to helping people live well into old age. They all have one thing in common and that is years of experience dealing with individuals and families. Elder-caring coordinators receive additional training which enables them to cut through the sibling rivalry undercurrents that often provide fuel for such disagreements. Mediation can be especially effective in these high-conflict situations because it provides an opportunity for all sides, including the aging adult whenever possible, to talk through the issues, find common ground and find workable solutions to the elder care problems. Though the process is not designed to create “kumbaya moments,” it has proven to be very effective in making sure that the dysfunction playing out among the kids doesn’t have a negative impact on the care of the aging parent. It can also facilitate better decisions and healing between family members in ways that court appearances rarely do.
Though the elder-caring coordination program isn’t yet available in Connecticut or most other states, it’s just a matter of time. Our imperfect legal system isn’t designed to deal with families where long-simmering resentments have erupted into disunity, with both sides digging in their heels. Nor is a courtroom the best place to decide how to care for an aging parent. But with programs like elder-caring coordination coming on line, there’s new hope for seniors trapped by their families at war—and the weary legal system that serves them.
