Should you involve your children in the estate planning process? If so, how much do you tell them? When do you tell them? Is it possible to tell them too much too soon? What happens if you tell them too little too late?
In my decades of work with families, I’ve found that there’s a natural progression in what adult children need to know—and what they’re equipped to handle. What adult children should know varies depending on what stage of life they’re in.
There’s a lot to think about. Take your finances. Most parents don’t share much about their money situation with their grown children, especially early on. When your kids are young adults, you may not want them to be a trustee or to have Power of Attorney because they might want to intervene in your affairs too early. Some adult children may be too young or too immature to handle the responsibility. There may be other reasons that it’s not in their best interest—or yours—to entrust them with such duties. And for some parents, especially those with kids who have a history of asking for financial support, they don’t want to tip their financial hand to irresponsible adult children with a history of coming around for handouts.
Fear is sometimes a factor but more often than not, it’s that parents are uncomfortable sharing personal financial information with people whose diapers they changed Parents are often concerned that their adult children will second guess their decisions along the way and accuse them of not doing enough. Parents may also be unsure that they can maintain their standard of living, especially in the face of a long-term illness.
But five or ten years down the road, it could be a very different story. Everyone gets older. Hopefully the kids mature, too. They may have families of their own and may be financially stable. Once you move deeper into your retirement years, you may find yourself more willing to share financials with your adult children. After all, someone you trust needs to assume these responsibilities when you’re no longer able to. Most parents will want their children to do it. If that’s the case, you’ll want to make sure the kids know where the accounts are and who your financial planner is. You may even want one or more of your children to accompany you to meetings with your estate planner or elder law attorney. By all means, bring them!
And then there’s the matter of end-of-life decision-making. . Few of us are eager to face our own mortality, much less discuss it with our children. But if we don’t, we risk leaving our loved ones with the terrible burden of having to guess what we would want them to do if we can’t make healthcare decisions for ourselves. At the very least, let all your loved ones know about your preferences for the way you want your life to end. If you don’t want your life prolonged by medical means, make sure everyone knows. Give them the gift of being able to know—and honor—your wishes, whatever those wishes might be. Yes, this involves having the dreaded “talk” but it’s a vital conversation to have. Visit www.theconversationproject.org for excellent guidance on how to tell your loved ones about your end-of-life wishes.
If you don’t factor your kids into the planning process at some point, here’s what could happen. Let’s say your spouse has dementia. You’ve been doing your best to cope on your own. Eventually the caregiving burdens become overwhelming. When you finally share the reality of the situation with your children, they will be petrified because they have no idea how to provide meaningful help or support.
When you don’t involve your kids in the planning process, an interesting thing happens. You teach them to keep a respectful distance. Your kids won’t intervene because they remember how private and independent you were—and they want to respect that for as long as possible.
So involve your children in the planning process while you’re still able. Get them ready to assume greater financial responsibility. Let them know your end-of-life preferences. And then sit back, relax and let them care for you when the time comes.
