As our parents age, we often find that the parent/child roles reverse as aging, long-term illness and disability increase their dependence on us, their children. When do the children have to start acting as parents? And what happens if we fail to do so? It’s a common quandary for adult children. It’s hard to watch parents decline, especially if your parents were fiercely independent. Letting go can leave claw marks. At the very least, relationships can be strained or even broken.
Here’s the bottom line. Each of us wants to be free to make the decisions we want, even if they might sometimes seem self-endangering. Yet every day, millions of families agonize over when is the appropriate time to begin stepping in and making decisions on behalf of their older loved ones. Even if you have a close and loving relationship with your senior adult parents, the transition in roles as your parents become increasingly frail can be like walking through a minefield.
The process often begins with observations:
- Dad’s driving seems more erratic
- Mom set fire to the kitchen
- Dad’s personal hygiene habits seem to be slipping
- Mom is forgetting to take her medication
- You find piles of unopened, unpaid bills
These observations can be terrifying. Your parents are slipping. But what do you do? How do you step in –gently, diplomatically and respectfully– to offer help to parents who may be too proud or too stubborn to admit they need help?
It’s important to remember that the parents who refuse help are often the most afraid. At that point, you must consider your options. If you honor your parents’ demands to butt out, are you prepared to let the natural consequences unfold, even if that means risks to their health or even their life? Or will you intervene against their wishes, knowing that Mom and Dad will throw a tantrum even though they’re in no position to argue? How do you navigate the potential for misunderstandings, sibling conflicts, hurt feelings, and constant worry, not to mention the inner conflict of wanting to love and honor your parents while sometimes having to act against their wishes?
There are no easy answers. In a common family scenario, Mom and Dad are in poor health and determined to remain in the family home. The kids run themselves ragged trying to honor their parents’ desire to age in place. Burnout ensues. Just as the parents can be in denial that they need help or actively resist that help from their children, adult children can also be in denial and resist stepping into the parent role when the time comes. It’s important to remember that both the elderly parents and the adult children benefit when the child embraces the role of parent. For the kids, assuming the role of parent provides clarity that gives them confidence that the decisions they are making are best for their loved one. For the aging parents, allowing their children to step into the parent role often brings a sigh of relief as they relinquish the role and the responsibilities that go with it. Most families I work with report that when the transition is complete, their loved ones are able to relax knowing that important decisions are in the capable hands of the adult children.
One tool that can help adult children navigate the transition from child to adult is a Life Care Plan. A Life Care Plan gives families a roadmap for elder care that makes it possible for adult children to provide the care parents need without sacrificing their own lives in the process. It’s an effective roadmap that eases worries at every stage of the long-term care journey.
Caring for our aging parents and negotiating that inevitable reversal of roles requires planning, understanding, patience, thick skin, and a sense of humor. And that is undoubtedly what we would want in our caretakers as we approach later life.
